I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
