My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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