Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
