Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
