Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
