It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
