so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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