I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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