3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My vagina just clenched in fear
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
