I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
nutella sex= disaster
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
