I think I won the penis lottery.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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