I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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