i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
