Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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