can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
