I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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