$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
