apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
