my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
