one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
