everyone is single if you try hard enough
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
