Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
