i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
