I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
