he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
PANTIES FOUND
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