my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
