the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
