just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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