Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
