so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The beer is more important than you right now.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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