blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i think i scared a bird with my dick
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
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