this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
