so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
