i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
