enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My vagina is officially offended.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
