so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
