I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
