So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
