The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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