you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
