that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
why is half of my head shaved?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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