Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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