I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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