he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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