I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
