i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
We are two peas in an std pod
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
