She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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