I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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