So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
