two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
